In an administration stuffed to the gills with silly and craven individuals who shouldn’t be allowed to run a lemonade stand, a lot much less the federal authorities, FBI Director Kash Patel is without doubt one of the stupider and extra craven creatures calling the pictures.
Even by the low requirements of 2025, Patel is embarrassingly unhealthy at his job, and you’ll see it throughout his face. He at all times seems vaguely consternated at studying he’s the FBI director.
As a result of Patel appears to be conscious, in some dim means, of his limitations, he is aware of he’s bought to benefit from his time within the corridors of energy. So why not grift for 2?
Positive, you’re paying for him to fly on a non-public FBI authorities luxurious jet from Las Vegas to his job in Washington D.C., the place he doesn’t stay. And positive, you’re paying for him to fly from Vegas and D.C. to his girlfriend Alexis Wilkins’ home in Nashville, the place he additionally doesn’t stay.
And positive, you’re paying for him to fly all throughout the nation to see sporting occasions and to see Wilkins twangbellow at rubes who paid to attend a fifth-tier professional wrestling occasion. However what should you had the chance to only be sure your taxpayer {dollars} go on to Wilkins as properly?
Associated | Kash Patel continues to shame his workplace within the stupidest methods
Sure, Wilkins and her faux nation singing profession apparently require a full FBI SWAT crew now—sure, a SWAT crew. As within the individuals who have precise jobs maintaining individuals in Nashville protected throughout probably the most important emergencies. Positive, they wouldn’t be capable of reply to a disaster within the Nashville space due to this, however what’s somewhat terror and trepidation and hurt for the residents of Nashville within the face of Alexis Wilkins needing a babysitter?
The justification is that Wilkins has acquired demise threats due to her relationship with Patel. It turns out to be useful that since Patel heads the FBI, he will get to resolve if his girlfriend wants somewhat additional safety and assign personnel accordingly.
However let’s faux for a second that Wilkins truly is dealing with threats as a result of she is courting the dimmest man on Capitol Hill. Alexis and Kash—AlexiKash? Kashexis?—may save us all some huge cash by, say, tying the knot and shifting to D.C. collectively. The place his job is. And the place he already has a safety element. And wouldn’t want a non-public airplane fairly so typically.
However per Patel, Wilkins should be protected in any respect prices as a result of, properly, let’s have the diehard romantic clarify:
The disgustingly baseless assaults towards Alexis — a real patriot and the girl I’m proud to name my associate in life — are past pathetic. She is a rock-solid conservative and a rustic music sensation who has completed extra for this nation than most will in ten lifetimes. I’m so blessed she’s in my life.
Sure, a random Nashville lady who can’t even break 500,000 streams for one in every of her tracks on Spotify and hasn’t launched any music since 2023 and performs at crappy, low-rent conservative gatherings occasions like Turning Level USA and professional wrestling occasions on our dime is principally Abraham Lincoln. You bought us there, Kash.
When all of this comes tumbling down, Patel higher hope there’s nonetheless a market in publishing poorly written youngsters’s books about Donald Trump.
Associated | Kash Patel can’t get sufficient of your money
God, possibly poor Kash will simply must pivot to writing a brand new, terribly-illustrated hagiography for whoever succeeds Trump as MAGA king? Ugh, the youngsters’s e book about how Barron Trump defeated the merciless TikTok regulators is gonna be laborious for instance.
